Beat the Betes ZUMBATHON.........

Today our Local Diabetes Education Office had a Zumbathon! It was so much fun! I can honestly say after 2 hours of Zumba every muscle in my body is screaming "What the world were you thinking!" Q got to attend as well. Of course she loved it! Anything that involves loud music and dancing is right up her alley.

It was a chilly morning but that didn't stop any one from coming. The goal was Zumba our buns off for 2 hours and raise some money for the local kids with Type 1 D. I believe we accomplished both. We also got to meet other families with kids with D. I think is good for our kids to know that they aren't alone and there are other kids like them.

Quincy got to get up on stage twice! I can say that she definitely doesn't mind being the center of attention. She got to go up once and help lead a dance and then again at the end to help with the cool down. She thought that was pretty cool!

Everyone that works on these events, attends these events, and makes a donation should know how much the community support means to us. So I just want to say THANK YOU! Thank you to the great staff at Trinity Diabetes Education Department. Thank you to all the volunteer instructors from around town. Thank you to everyone that came out and Zumbathon'd. Thank you to everyone who donated.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

 

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

After the last few years I believe that this quote is something we should all think about. This post is more about the struggles of living the D life as a momma. Sometimes we get so got up in our kids that we forget to take care of ourselves and love ourselves too.

Most of teenage years and my adult life I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. I hide them very well for a long time. I never really considered myself depressed. I tried a few different medication along the way with very little success. Most of them I was allergic too. ( mmm.. wonder where Q gets her allergies from ) Starting this journey was no different.

At the time of diagnosis you really don't have time to fall apart. Hell you don't have time for much. All you think about is your child and keeping them alive! You try to learn as much as possible about D. This is when it started to consume me. This is when I started to spiral and not even know it. I let D take over and run my life. There were points over the last few years that I was in what I thought was a good place. Looking back I'm certain that I haven't really been in a good place for a while.

Q has had a run of illnesses that started last August and have continued until the present. Most are related to her allergies. This is when I know I started to hit bottom. Being in and out of the doctors offices at least 2-3 times a month, antibiotic after antibiotic, nebulizers, insulin, sights, allergy shots twice a week, high blood sugar, ketones, dehydration, sleeping maybe 2-3 hrs a night, keeping up the house,  and don't forget that thing called a full time job! Hey did you know that I have a husband too? How do you not let this take over your life?

I realized I was not dealing well about March. I had come to the end of my rope. It was after one of the worst weekends we had seen in a while. I took her in to  Dr U and that when I snapped. I believe my words were along the lines of " I'm about to loose my shit! I don't know what the hell to do anymore! I hate this stupid F'ing disease!" Poor Dr U. The look on his face was priceless. He then said to me, " I think its time to go to the hospital." Q had been dehydrated and got us a 1 night stay in the peds unit. Its amazing what a few bags of fluids will do for a D kid. She came out of there the best I had seen her in months. There was a glimmer of hope that things were starting to look up.

But guess what? I never took the time to stop and take care of myself. I was coming apart at the seems. My life was fully consumed by D. I would hear people talking behind my back about how crazy I was over D. All she does is post on FB about D, she never talks about anything else, does she think shes the only one with problems, are her problems really that bad...... Those are just a few of my favorites. It became very difficult for me to even talk to my friends about anything. They didn't want to hear about D anymore. So I would try to talk about other things. Well I didn't have anything else to talk about. My life was all about Q and D!

That's when I realized that something had to change. My cloths no longer fit. I had put on so much weight I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I was having more panic attacks. My friends talking behind my back. I couldn't remember the last time I got dressed up and went out with Matt.  Ben and Jerry were the only late night dates I was having! That's when I realized....
"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

I decided that I wanted to be Marie again. Not just Q's mom. Not just that girl that talks about D all the time. I wanted a life again. I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to live again.I want to be a good friend, wife, and mother again. I know that it isn't easy. There will be bumps and bruises along the way. I know my friends will put me in my place. I am truly blessed with great people in my life who have been there and will continue to be!

I have started to love myself and learn to not let D define me! I have started to eat healthy, exercise, and take time for my friends and I. I have lost 20lbs. I am eating Paleo/Clean. I have gone out with friends and managed to keep D away!


 

Step Out Video 2012

Q makes me proud!

Part 2

I made Quincy's appointment for first thing in the morning. I had hoped that we could just make it a quick trip in to the doctors office and then I could make it to work by the time we opened. Well, as it turned out I wouldn't return to work for a week.
I always hate sitting in the waiting room. I hate even more sitting in those little rooms waiting for for the doctor to come in. That morning we ended up sitting in one of those rooms for what seemed like for ever.
The nurse called Q's name. We did the small talk on the way to the room about what was going on. I was telling her some of Q's symptoms. She started to get really quiet. She took all the vitals. She mentioned that Q had lost a bit of weight. Then she said I am going to get he doctor, he will be right in. He literally was in the room within seconds. I remember thinking how odd that was. He's never that fast. I told him everything that was going on. He asked Q to do a urine sample. So we tried. She wouldn't go pee. Are you kidding me. This from the kid that has been peeing all the time. So we sat in that little room for a little while in hopes that she would have to go. Nothing.
We must have been there a least a hour by this point. I was going to be late for work. I hate being late for anything. They still hadn't said anything to me as to what was wrong either. Dr U finally came back in. He said since she had not gone to the bathroom we needed to do some lab work. The nurse came back in. I remember thinking she wasn't smiling anymore. She always smiled. That's when I started to get worried. We went down to the lab.

Night time testing

It's been a while since I have posted. Things have been busy around here. I will get back to our story soon. Tonight I just want to say how much I dislike the term Dead in Bed! I think it is horrible.
After diagnosis I tested faithfully every two hours through the night. Then it went to every three hours. Here we are almost two years later and I test about every four. I am exhausted. Somewhere along the road I heard the term Dead in Bed. I had no idea what that meant. So I went to my trusty pal Google to see what he could tell me. I was horrified.
These last few weeks I just can't seem to get that term out of my mind. I have woken up numerous times in the middle of the night in a panic that something has happened to Q. I have even slept in her bed for the last week. I just can't shake this something bad is gonna happen feeling.
I know that I am not alone in my fears either. This is something that happens. All the D Families out there know exactly how I feel. I really hope one day we don't have to live in fear!
It is Diabetes Awareness month and I encourage everyone to educate yourself and then go out and make a donation to help us find a cure!

How it all started, from what I can remember. Part 1

Looking back it seems blurry. I'm not really sure I remember how it all started but I will share what I can. The one thing I do know is as mother you know when something just isn't write. You get this feeling that you just can't explain. I know that feeling all to well.

In the days and weeks leading up to diagnosis I had that feeling almost every day. I just couldn't shake it. Quincy always had her health problems. It started when she was first born and continues to this day. She was diagnosied early on with allergies and eczema. She didn't take to nursing at all. Formula made her vomiting uncontrollable. There were countless nights that I couldn't go to bed until I cleaned up vomit from the walls, her bedding, and giving her a second bath to get it out of her hair. Not to mention all the time it took to put her lotions and cream on a second time so she wouldn't itch her skin raw. And as you could imagine the stress it put on Matt and mines relationship.

There were countless trips to the AFB Doctors, to the Doctors in town, and to the Hospital. It was in these beginning trips to the Doctors we meet Dr Udekwe and he has become a staple in our life. He was one of the first Doctors to actually take the time to listen to me and actually hear what I was saying. We had seen Dr U several times for ear infections, allergic reactions, eczema out breaks, and the all to familiar trips for pneumonia. He was so good with us. I trusted him. That's why I would
only see him.

Then came a day that Quincy just wasn't right. My first thought was the flu. So I did everything I could for her at home. It was a Saturday I think. Maybe could have been a Sunday. I do know it was the weekend because we had to see the on call Doctor. I wasn't happy about it but she needed to be seen. I wasn't to impressed with the on call doctor. I knew her from the pharmacy. But it was all we could do on the weekend. So the appointment was less than statisfying. All reasons I disliked that Doctor seemed to be reinforced. How do you let a 3 year old little girl who hasn't eatin in days, been vomiting, dehydrated but had been drinking at least a gallon of water a day, lost at least 5 pounds, just walk out of the office. Tell the parents to go home keep giving her fluids and give her a enema for constipation. Well I did exactly what she said. By the way giving a 3 year old a enma truly sucks!

As the week went on she seemed to be improving a bit. I even took her in to have her pictures professional taken. She was still drinking a lot and still vomitting. But she had been vomitting since birth. That was nothing new. She had learned to vomit in a bowl, the one we kept beside her bed, then take it and flush it. She would then bring me the bowl to wash. Did I think she was gettin better yes. Did I still have that nagging mom feeling yes!

We were approaching December. It was supposed to be a happy fun time. We were coming into the Christmas season. My boss and good friend was going to be having her second little boy any time. Quincy still wasn't right. Then one night she wet the bed. What in the world. She as been potty trained for months with no accidents. Maybe it was just a one time thing? Well it happened a second night. Ok, she has been drinking a lot. It must just have been to much before bed. I even went out and bought pull ups again. Then I started to notice that the cloths she had been wearing were getting baggy on her. She wasn't getting any taller. What is going on. I decided we had delt with this enough it was time to go back in and this time I wasn't seeing anyone other than Dr U.

I don't remember if it was the night before the appointment or a few days before Matt and I having a conversation. That was the first time the "D" word ever came up. I remember him saying she could have Diabetes. What? Diabetes? No way. She's too little for that! That doesn't run in either one of our families! He said what about Obie? Ok so one person out of everyone? No, not Quincy. It can't be. Matt's crazy.

Then came the appointment. December 9th 2009. The day our Family changed forever.

A place to vent.

Well, I have always thought about documenting my daily struggles. I just never did. As the days go on I decided I need a place to go and vent about my struggles. I am starting to learn the worst thing you can do is bottle up your feelings. It makes you very angry and bitter at life. If you are anything like me you just put a smile on your face and pretend nothings wrong and go on with you day.

I realized on Friday as I stood at work in the office with tears in my eyes that something had to change. I had just gotten off the phone with Dr Udekwe. As many of you know that is Q's pediatrician. He had just told me that Q's A1c took a huge jump. For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had all of these feeling and thought going through my mind. But true to form I put a smile on my face and pressed through the rest of the day. Well I made a phone call to my therapist/daycare provider to vent.(You can charge me extra for Friday Lynn) I also made a few trips to the bathroom to dry my eyes.

For those of you that don't know they would like Q's A1c to be below 8. Which it has been. Until now that is. It is up to 10! Not good at all. We will get more into blood sugar numbers another time. The main thing here is that the high numbers we are having causing this jump is not good for her. The side effect of high numbers for long periods of time are serious.


So back to putting the smile on and pressing on with my day. I have a 25 minute drive home from work. For some reason it seemed like a hour and 25 minutes that night. There were a few tears, some nasty words said out loud, and a lot of blame. Mostly anger at myself for not taking better care of my little girl. How could I have let it get this bad. What the hell have I been doing. And like that my drive was over and I'm sitting in Lynn's driveway. So I put the smile on my face and like that everything was fine. Or was it? Is it?


It's been 1 year 10 months and 13 days since our journey with Type 1 Diabetes started. I don't want to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is fine anymore. I don't want to poke my daughter with needles. I don't want to wake up scared in the morning to go in her room to see if she is still alive. I don't want to worry about her at school not knowing what they are feeding her. I don't want her to be the girl that gets picked on because she gets special treatment. I don't want her to be sick all the time. I don't want her to have diabetes.

I know Diabetes isn't going away. I know I'm going to live with these fears for the rest of my life. I know that I am going to do whatever I can to keep her healthy and happy. Instead of keeping things bottled up I am going to write them down, talk about it, and share our story.