A place to vent.

Well, I have always thought about documenting my daily struggles. I just never did. As the days go on I decided I need a place to go and vent about my struggles. I am starting to learn the worst thing you can do is bottle up your feelings. It makes you very angry and bitter at life. If you are anything like me you just put a smile on your face and pretend nothings wrong and go on with you day.

I realized on Friday as I stood at work in the office with tears in my eyes that something had to change. I had just gotten off the phone with Dr Udekwe. As many of you know that is Q's pediatrician. He had just told me that Q's A1c took a huge jump. For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had all of these feeling and thought going through my mind. But true to form I put a smile on my face and pressed through the rest of the day. Well I made a phone call to my therapist/daycare provider to vent.(You can charge me extra for Friday Lynn) I also made a few trips to the bathroom to dry my eyes.

For those of you that don't know they would like Q's A1c to be below 8. Which it has been. Until now that is. It is up to 10! Not good at all. We will get more into blood sugar numbers another time. The main thing here is that the high numbers we are having causing this jump is not good for her. The side effect of high numbers for long periods of time are serious.


So back to putting the smile on and pressing on with my day. I have a 25 minute drive home from work. For some reason it seemed like a hour and 25 minutes that night. There were a few tears, some nasty words said out loud, and a lot of blame. Mostly anger at myself for not taking better care of my little girl. How could I have let it get this bad. What the hell have I been doing. And like that my drive was over and I'm sitting in Lynn's driveway. So I put the smile on my face and like that everything was fine. Or was it? Is it?


It's been 1 year 10 months and 13 days since our journey with Type 1 Diabetes started. I don't want to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is fine anymore. I don't want to poke my daughter with needles. I don't want to wake up scared in the morning to go in her room to see if she is still alive. I don't want to worry about her at school not knowing what they are feeding her. I don't want her to be the girl that gets picked on because she gets special treatment. I don't want her to be sick all the time. I don't want her to have diabetes.

I know Diabetes isn't going away. I know I'm going to live with these fears for the rest of my life. I know that I am going to do whatever I can to keep her healthy and happy. Instead of keeping things bottled up I am going to write them down, talk about it, and share our story.