You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

After the last few years I believe that this quote is something we should all think about. This post is more about the struggles of living the D life as a momma. Sometimes we get so got up in our kids that we forget to take care of ourselves and love ourselves too.

Most of teenage years and my adult life I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. I hide them very well for a long time. I never really considered myself depressed. I tried a few different medication along the way with very little success. Most of them I was allergic too. ( mmm.. wonder where Q gets her allergies from ) Starting this journey was no different.

At the time of diagnosis you really don't have time to fall apart. Hell you don't have time for much. All you think about is your child and keeping them alive! You try to learn as much as possible about D. This is when it started to consume me. This is when I started to spiral and not even know it. I let D take over and run my life. There were points over the last few years that I was in what I thought was a good place. Looking back I'm certain that I haven't really been in a good place for a while.

Q has had a run of illnesses that started last August and have continued until the present. Most are related to her allergies. This is when I know I started to hit bottom. Being in and out of the doctors offices at least 2-3 times a month, antibiotic after antibiotic, nebulizers, insulin, sights, allergy shots twice a week, high blood sugar, ketones, dehydration, sleeping maybe 2-3 hrs a night, keeping up the house,  and don't forget that thing called a full time job! Hey did you know that I have a husband too? How do you not let this take over your life?

I realized I was not dealing well about March. I had come to the end of my rope. It was after one of the worst weekends we had seen in a while. I took her in to  Dr U and that when I snapped. I believe my words were along the lines of " I'm about to loose my shit! I don't know what the hell to do anymore! I hate this stupid F'ing disease!" Poor Dr U. The look on his face was priceless. He then said to me, " I think its time to go to the hospital." Q had been dehydrated and got us a 1 night stay in the peds unit. Its amazing what a few bags of fluids will do for a D kid. She came out of there the best I had seen her in months. There was a glimmer of hope that things were starting to look up.

But guess what? I never took the time to stop and take care of myself. I was coming apart at the seems. My life was fully consumed by D. I would hear people talking behind my back about how crazy I was over D. All she does is post on FB about D, she never talks about anything else, does she think shes the only one with problems, are her problems really that bad...... Those are just a few of my favorites. It became very difficult for me to even talk to my friends about anything. They didn't want to hear about D anymore. So I would try to talk about other things. Well I didn't have anything else to talk about. My life was all about Q and D!

That's when I realized that something had to change. My cloths no longer fit. I had put on so much weight I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I was having more panic attacks. My friends talking behind my back. I couldn't remember the last time I got dressed up and went out with Matt.  Ben and Jerry were the only late night dates I was having! That's when I realized....
"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

I decided that I wanted to be Marie again. Not just Q's mom. Not just that girl that talks about D all the time. I wanted a life again. I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to live again.I want to be a good friend, wife, and mother again. I know that it isn't easy. There will be bumps and bruises along the way. I know my friends will put me in my place. I am truly blessed with great people in my life who have been there and will continue to be!

I have started to love myself and learn to not let D define me! I have started to eat healthy, exercise, and take time for my friends and I. I have lost 20lbs. I am eating Paleo/Clean. I have gone out with friends and managed to keep D away!